How to deal with your children during a divorce?
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead” (Adele)
Child psychologists did a lot of research in recent years on children's feelings during the divorce of their parents. Following are some basic tips to be used immediately to protect them as much as possible from the negative effects of divorce.
Unsolvable relationship problems
With the best of intentions, parents choose to separate. They keep to themselves despite the serious relationship problems for that happy divorced parents are better for the child than unhappy cohabitants. This is also true in most cases.
But things do not always go as planned. The children sometimes bear the brunt of a divorce. In the midst of open conflict or subcutaneous hostility, the child often does not know how to do right by both parents or where to safely tell his/her story anymore.
Your child torn between father and mother
It is a necessity for every child to like both parents. So don't blacken your ex in front of your child! As a parent, it is important that you can tell your story during or after a divorce, but your child is not the right person to do so.
Seek support from friends or your own psychotherapist so that your anger or sadness is not unleashed on your child. Highlighting your ex's bad sides will not make your child prefer you, quite the opposite!
If your child tells you something from with the other parent, try to listen neutrally. Do not use this against your ex, your child may lose trust in you and get into an impossible and psychologically unhealthy straddling position between both parents.
Child psychology and the weekly move
Children who move from one parent to another every week usually do not have an easy time of it. They have to say goodbye each time and then get used to the other parent and their environment.
This is why they sometimes show ‘difficult’ behaviour. Understand that this does not make your ex a bad parent. The cause of rebellion more often lies in the switch than in bad parenting by the other parent.
Allow enough time for your child to adjust. It is not advisable to bring your child to your ex (or vice versa) shortly before bedtime. Generally speaking, the younger the child, the more difficult longer periods away from one parent (and certainly from the mother) will be.
Good advice from the child therapist
Above all, keep your child's move calm. If there are difficult issues to discuss, arrange a parent meeting without your children. Above all, do not let your child witness escalating arguments. This can trigger guilt in your child.
Ideally, during transition, parents should actually meet briefly (briefly) and be able to say something about the stay. It does the children good to know that their parents can continue to talk about them. If this is not possible, an intermediary (e.g. family member who can be neutral) or a child therapist sometimes more appropriate.
If you prefer to hear it from a child yourself, watch the video in our previous blog post.
Ruth Six
Child psychologist-child therapist
Psychologist practice JoVo Kruishoutem